Today, I had a soul epiphany

I've attached and clung to my identity too much too hard that I haven't allowed myself to see other possibilities are actually possible.

Today, I had an epiphany.

"What do you yearn for?

What do you need?,"

I asked my soul.

I'll share this yearning later.

But first, some context.

You see, I've been feeling quite glum about my job these days. By 'these days', I mean about 6 months. I have been feeling frustration in my being, and as a Manifesting Generator, when I feel frustrated, I know that my energy is stuck, and she is not being used to her fullest potential.

I am also born from a lineage of women survivors of poverty and oppression from the current patriarchal systems. My grandmother survived war and her cells are in my DNA, and in spite of all the release rituals and ceremonies I've been through, I have not yet fully healed and embraced that fact. I still resist and fight and try to fit myself into society's box. Though I have had "big" dreams for myself, my practical side always won my internal battles. I am both a hard-eyed realist (60%) and a dreamy-eyed idealist (40%), though on most days these past years, especially with the pandemic, they're even-ing out.

I've been trying to find an "alternative" job, but the thought of just skipping from one job to the next, for me to find that it operates under the same systems I’m trying to change, doesn't truly satisfy my soul. Why does my job even have to be aligned with my soul? Can’t I just work, earn society's current value system (money), live and enjoy? No. My spirit wants to create something more meaningful, and I think I've been looking at all the wrong places.

I have been mulling over the term "freelance" since the beginning of the year, but I do not resonate with it as well. All this time I find myself just looking for my own permission to be who I want to be and feel what I want to feel - and that is to be free. Not tied to any one organization, not shackled by a patriarchal system, just a spirit living and creating.

This epiphany came after yesterday's conversation (my body is quick like that 😆) with a soul sister about how I was feeling with my "work situation". Because right now, I work full time for a local non-profit, an environmental organization that I love, but with systems still rooted in capitalism and a colonial mindset. Actually, most organizations these days are still like that. I've seen some organizations operating differently, decolonized or at least doing their best to be, but they are not in the Philippines. My body feels this, my soul feels this every waking hour.

This soul sister, an astrologer, energy worker and all-around supportive human being, channeled a message that challenged my self-imposed identity of being an Earth keeper/steward.

"Your spirit is that of a bird. It wants to fly and drift across different planes, though you may not realize it. You're a free spirit," she said.

I feel like I've attached and clung to my identity too much too hard that I haven't allowed myself to see other possibilities are actually, well, possible.

What does my soul yearn for?

I want to be working full time birthing this eco-village dream with my human and more-than-human communities. I want to continuously learn from different courses, people, experiences, and gain deeper knowledge of how I can birth a different life for the future generation, for the future Earth, one that is not tied to capitalism and colonialism, one with no trauma, one that is rooted in connection, creativity, following the rhythms of Earth Mother - one that is centered in LOVE.

I want to share stories, create, birth, collaborate and connect with different organizations and communities. I want to CREATE a more connected world. I want to feel the feminine creative flow every day.

This yearning has no label. I refuse to label what this self-creation is taking the form of. After all, as Alok Menon says, "words are just made up."

I wish I could say I FULL BODY SURRENDER to the divine mother and father, ancestors, and spirits; but my body knows I am not "there" yet. I see the horizon already at least, it's been lit, but I have to jump on the proverbial non-fossil-fuel powered plane first so that I can reach it.

Or maybe I'll just fly.

Join me?

Note: I wrote this first through IG stories but decided to make it finally, my first substack entry, for more solid YAS LIFE DIVINE MOTHER AND FATHER surrender *po ako.

*Po is a respectful way of saying "yes" in Filipino

May this serve 🙏🏼